Voldemort's Decision
by she.said.sarcastically
Summary: Has anyone ever wondered why Voldemort chose Harry to be the one to beat? Well, here's my comedic explanation. Hope you enjoy it! M for language [no specific pairings]XxXoneshotXxX


"Hmm…" He-who-must-not-be-named had just been informed of a prophecy proclaiming his downfall. "This is interesting. If I got defeated, it'd make a rather good book series, wouldn't it, Severus?"

"Yes, m'lord," the overgrown bat himself said, not even caring what Voldything had just said.

"This could mean," Voldemort said airily, "either that Potter kid or the Longbottom."

"Potter?" Snape stood up. "Not Lily's kid, right? You mean the other Potter."

"Nope, Lily's kid. She's a mudblood, anyhow, so what's it to you?"

"I've loved her since we were nine!"

"What was that?"

"You're plan will work out just fine!" Snape lied. "I think you should off the Longbottom kid."

"Hmm… but will that work for the book series?" Voldemort wondered.

"What book series, m'lord?" Snape asked with pity in his voice.

"The book series that shall be written if the kid offs me! Jesus Christ, Snape, do you ever pay attention?"

"Why are you using Muggle swearwords? Dude, you're totally taking the Muggle Lord's name in vain…"

"Yo, Snape, all right? If people can say fuck Voldemort, why the hell can't I say Jesus Christ?"

"Calm down, Vol-day," Bellatrix said out of nowhere. "I'll get my sister's husband's daughter's son's godfather's creator to do it. I mean, if you get defeated. Which you won't. 'Cause you are invincible."

"Nice save, Bella," Voldemort said. "You really annoy everyone, you know that?"

"Hey, at least I'm not as bad as that Bella Swan," Bella replied. "Dame, is that girl a motherfucking-"

"Chill, Bella," Lucius said. "Bella Swan hasn't been created yet. And besides, that vampire deserves to be out on his arse anyhow. So does the werewolf. He's an arsehole, let me tell you-"

"Lucius, are you telling me you've read Twilight?"

"And New Moon, and Eclipse!" Lucius said ecstatically. "Boy, do I sure love Stephenie Meyer! And Edward. Man, is that guy a hot Vampi-"

"I thought you said he deserves to be out on his arse?" Bellatrix sneered.

"He does. Because, as you said, Bella is a motherfucking-"

"BACK TO MY PROBLEMS!" Snape shouted.

"What exactly are your problems?" Voldemort said, idly turning the page of Twilight.

"I love the woman you might kill!"

"What?" Voldemort said.

"I speak German with hecka tight skill," Snape lied. "I still think you should off the Longbottom kid."

"Hmm…" Voldemort said. "Think about the book series, Severus… Neville Longbottom and the Sorcerer's Stone? I'm sorry, but I just don't think that works."

"Harry Potter sounds much more like a hero's name, if you ask me," Bella said.

"Nobody asked you!" Snape shouted.

"Yeah, what I'm sayin' is do you, do you wanna lose it all? Cuz this is more than- what?" Lucius broke out of his Boys like Girls reverie. "Oh. Yeah. The Potter kid sounds more like a hero to me."

"Okay, the Potter kid it is," Voldemort snapped Twilight shut and set it down.

"I can't wait to read the books," Lucius said, before suddenly grabbing Bellatix's arm.

"What?" she snapped.

"What if… what if they put it on fanfiction? How cool would that be? And then people could write crappy stories about my son and that Weasley girl, and about Sev over there and the Potters' son. Ooh, and maybe even some shit-filled slash fic about my son and Harry Potter! How cool would that be?" he asked again.

"Almost as cool as some fat-arse story about me and Sirius having incest-sex," Bella said excitedly. "Ooh, or even SiriusXRemus. That would be beautiful! Because, I mean, those guys are just like, the first ones we'd expect to be homosexual."

"You got an issue with homosexuals?"

"No, I got a problem with people making straight guys act like homosexuals!" Bella laughed.

"Ohhh, I get it," Lucius said. "What about making homosexual guys straight?"

"That doesn't work for me either," Bella said. "Either have them nice and homo, or nice and straight. Or Bisexual. Just stick with canon, people. Things don't work all that well if you don't."

"Is that the moral of the story?"

"No,"

"Oh, I know! The moral of the story is: after twisting your ankle doing high-knees, tell your P.E. teacher instead of participating in the 100 yard dash and having to spend the next day sitting on the couch with a screwed up ankle making up stupid fanfics all day!"

"That's a good moral," Bella agreed.

And that is the story of how Voldemort chose to make Harry Potter the one to beat.

And the story of how I twisted my ankle.


End file.
